Red-light-camera districts

Lately, the Halfcookies metroplex has been filling up with red-light cameras. Everyone knows that these sinister devices have arrived to generate revenue, but the city works hard to play up the notion that they improve intersection safety as well. Whether a million or so anxious drivers—fearful of shortened yellows and steep fines—is more or less safe than a bunch of relaxed, “howdy, y'all,” drive-friendly-type Texans is open for debate. But here’s something that’s not: if the city really wanted to improve intersection safety, it could easily do so with a simple device. And it ain’t no camera.

The problem is, this device would not only help to prevent accidents, but it would also take a big bite out of the number of tickets issued. And that’s why we only see yellow-light countdown timers at a small number of local intersections.

Folks, if the city really did want to “combat the serious problem of red-light running,” it could outfit every intersection deemed dangerous enough to warrant camera monitoring with a yellow-light timer as well. From a driver’s perspective, timers are more effective because they promote safety before the fact, not after. When drivers know exactly when the yellow is a-comin’, they can get to a-slowin’ without having to make any split-second decisions.

But from the city’s perspective, a timer eliminates the “surprise” aspect of a yellow, which takes away some of the fun—and with it, a good deal of cash. In a camera-without-timer regime, the city’s intersections see an approaching driver like a slot machine sees a tipsy grandma with a bag full of nickels. Easy money.

We’re on the road here y'all, not at a casino. So I say as long as the city’s not supplying free drinks and extra oxygen, we shouldn’t be forced to spin the red-light-camera roulette wheel when we’re out behind the wheel. Let’s call the hall and let them know that if safety is indeed the top priority, a combination of timers and cameras is our best option. Law-abiding citizens won’t have to take a chance on a nasty fine, while those who do risk the safety of others (and their own) can be efficiently sanctioned.

In the meantime, I’m keeping an air rifle and a can of spray paint handy.

Public Service Announcement #1

The past few summers, gas prices have been getting everyone down. This time around, fight back with these helpful hints from the Halfcookies Public Service Department.

• Only drive downhill.
• Get out and push. Taco Bell will always be cheaper than gas.
• Equip your car with 22” spinners. Those babies never stop rollin’.
• Put a tiger in someone else’s tank. Wring him out, collect the gas, and put it in yours.
• Drill a well in your back yard. If you strike oil, use it as fuel. If you strike the sewer system, put that in barrels too, but sell it to your less suspecting neighbors.
• Buy a Prius. Toyota will throw in a new lifestyle for free.
• Every extra 100 lbs. you carry in your trunk costs you 1 mile per gallon. Stash your porn collection somewhere else.
• Air conditioning wastes gas. Too toasty? Point your car north, and don’t stop until you no longer need the AC. Choose a local community and assimilate.
• Take public transit. And a can of mace.
• Only buy gas on days that end in “-day.”
• Write your congressman. If that doesn’t work, write your gas station attendant and tell him that you have his daughter tied up in your basement. Come to think of it, try this first.
• Raise the price of moustache rides.
• Find a mosque and pilfer the difference from their collections.
• Travel to Planet Spaceball with surplus air to trade for Liquid Schwartz.
• Switch brands to Philips 666. Already sold your soul? Don’t worry, the devil is currently refinancing at surprisingly low rates.
• Walk into a crowded area and exclaim, “Who do I have to kill to get a decent price on gas ‘round here?” If nobody answers, start randomly lobbing grenades.
• Sacrifice three goats and a Molotov cocktail to Refineros, the God of Petrochemicals.

About this blog

Welcome to the weblog that accompanies Halfcookies.com. This blog will provide news about the strip and other relevant information. Additionally, it prevents the Halfcookies staff from depriving readers of content that does not fit into a graphic framework—thus adding a new dimension to the Halfcookies experience. Please, enjoy.

First Post!

Hey, here's the first post of Half Cookies blog. I hope it's awesome!