Public Service Announcement #1

The past few summers, gas prices have been getting everyone down. This time around, fight back with these helpful hints from the Halfcookies Public Service Department.

• Only drive downhill.
• Get out and push. Taco Bell will always be cheaper than gas.
• Equip your car with 22” spinners. Those babies never stop rollin’.
• Put a tiger in someone else’s tank. Wring him out, collect the gas, and put it in yours.
• Drill a well in your back yard. If you strike oil, use it as fuel. If you strike the sewer system, put that in barrels too, but sell it to your less suspecting neighbors.
• Buy a Prius. Toyota will throw in a new lifestyle for free.
• Every extra 100 lbs. you carry in your trunk costs you 1 mile per gallon. Stash your porn collection somewhere else.
• Air conditioning wastes gas. Too toasty? Point your car north, and don’t stop until you no longer need the AC. Choose a local community and assimilate.
• Take public transit. And a can of mace.
• Only buy gas on days that end in “-day.”
• Write your congressman. If that doesn’t work, write your gas station attendant and tell him that you have his daughter tied up in your basement. Come to think of it, try this first.
• Raise the price of moustache rides.
• Find a mosque and pilfer the difference from their collections.
• Travel to Planet Spaceball with surplus air to trade for Liquid Schwartz.
• Switch brands to Philips 666. Already sold your soul? Don’t worry, the devil is currently refinancing at surprisingly low rates.
• Walk into a crowded area and exclaim, “Who do I have to kill to get a decent price on gas ‘round here?” If nobody answers, start randomly lobbing grenades.
• Sacrifice three goats and a Molotov cocktail to Refineros, the God of Petrochemicals.